Agent Jokes


A couple of screenwriters are enjoying a junket on ICM's cabin cruiser, when their agent falls overboard. Before anything can be done, an enormous shark approaches to within six feet of the agent, but suddenly veers off in another direction. The young writer exclaims, "Did you see what just happened? That's an act of God!" The older writer replies, "Nah, it was just professional courtesy."
An L.A. agent is driving his Mercedes down a deserted Mojave highway, and notices a sign which reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it's a figment of his imagination, and drives on. But soon, he sees another: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there's a third: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
The agent's curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. Beside the parking lot sits a somber stone building with a sign on the door: SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he's very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and just before she leaves, she tells him, "Please knock on this door."
The agent does as he's told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun says, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
After placing his money in the nun's tin cup, he trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
An agent goes ice fishing with his new screenwriter client. While they're sitting around a hole in the ice, a hungry polar bear starts charging them from a half-mile away. The agent immediately pulls off his ice boots and starts putting on a pair of tennis sneakers. The writer screams, "We're doomed - you can't outrun a polar bear, his top speed is 40 miles an hour!" The agent calmly replies, "I don't have to outrun him - I just have to outrun you!"
Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste dumps, while California got all the agents?
New Jersey had first pick.
A screenwriter returns home after a long evening's work of waiting tables, only to find his house a pile of smoldering rubble. Policemen and firemen poke grimly through the remains. The writer leaps out of his car and runs over to a detective. "Oh God! My house! What happened? Where are my wife and children?"
The cop says, "I'm sorry sir. I'm afraid your agent came to your house, slaughtered your family, burned your home to the ground, and then danced on the rubble in hobnailed boots."
The writer looks at the detective, excited, and says, "My agent came to my house?"
Just before Christmas, an honest agent, a kind studio exec and Santa Claus were riding up in the elevator of the Beverly Hills Hotel. When the doors opened, they all noticed a twenty dollar bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?
Santa, of course - the other two don't exist!
How many agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Sorry, we're not screwing in any new light bulbs anymore. But have you considered turning your light bulb into maybe... a candle?
A2: Oh yes, I screwed in your light bulb, but I haven't had a chance to turn it on yet. I'll get to it as soon as possible. It's just that we're already sitting under too much light.
A3: Loved your light bulb. Great light. Lots of illumination. Unfortunately, the agency's decided to remain in the dark indefinitely.
A minister, a doctor, and a literary agent are all playing golf. As they approach the third tee, they notice that the foursome in front of them is playing very slowly. These guys are helping each other line up their putts, they all stand around while each other hits, and they're generally taking far too long to play golf.
By the time the minister, doctor, and agent make the turn, they've had enough, and complain to the ranger about the slow play. Patiently, the ranger reveals that the foursome is a team of blind firemen who lost their vision while entering a burning house to save an entire family, and their eyes were singed. "We let them play for free," he explains, and asks the group to be understanding.
The minister feels terrible, and insists, "I'll offer a prayer for each of them and their families."
The doctor says, "I'm going to give them free medical treatment for their bravery."
The agent screams, "CAN'T THEY PLAY AT NIGHT?"
Two old screenwriters and their ancient agent are comparing ailments in the doctor's waiting room: "With me, it's the bladder," says one writer, "I wake up at 7 in the morning, and all I can manage is a dribble." The second writer chimes in, "My bowels are shot. I wake up at 8, only to sit on the toilet, straining and pushing, with no result." The agent shrugs: "Every morning at 7, I piss like a racehorse, and at 8, I crap like a pig." Responding to their puzzled looks, he confides, "I don't wake up 'til noon."
A Hollywood agent, a Brooklyn lawyer and a used car salesman from Peoria are gathered around a coffin containing the body of an old screenwriter friend. One of the three says, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have it to spend on the other side." They all agree that this is appropriate, so the car salesman drops a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the lawyer does the same. The agent takes out the bills, and writes a check for $300.
After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young agent and his wife decide that counseling is the only way to save their relationship. They had been at each other's throats for quite some time, and felt this was their last chance.
When they arrive at the therapist's office, the doctor jumps right in, and opens the floor for discussion: "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the wife begins talking ninety miles an hour, describing all the problems in their marriage. In contrast, her husband puts his head in his hands, and remains silent.
After fifteen minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist walks over to her, picks her up by the shoulders, kisses her passionately, and sits her back down. The wife is speechless.
The marriage counselor looks over at the agent, who stares in disbelief. The doctor says to him, "Your wife NEEDS that, at least twice a week!"
The agent scratches his head and replies, "Okey-doke. I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
The crusty old literary agent finally passed away, but his agency kept getting calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I was one of his screenwriters, and I just like to hear you say it."
What's the difference between a vampire bat and a William Morris agent?
One is a fearless, evil, bloodsucking monster, and the other is a small, harmless, mouse-like creature with wings.
What's the difference between a bantam rooster and an ICM agent?
A rooster clucks defiance.
What's the difference between a pit bull and a CAA agent?
The beloved mohel is getting older, and his hands are not as steady as they once were. For a man who performs the "bris" (Jewish circumcision ceremony), this is pretty serious, and he's having trouble getting insurance. Finally, his agent contacts him with the good news: "We've gotten you a great policy, with only one rider!" "What's that?" asks the mohel. The agent replies, "A one-inch deductible..."
A hotshot literary agent went hunting in the mountains with his insurance salesman and stockbroker, but their car broke down on the return trip. While hiking back to civilization, they came across a very small farm house, and asked to use the phone. The local towing company couldn't do anything until the next day, but the farmer graciously offered them overnight accommodations, explaining that there was only enough room for two extra guests in the house. Unfortunately, one of them would have to sleep in the barn, which had not been cleaned in years. The stockbroker said, "No problem, I was raised on a farm, and I'm used to those kinds of things."
Everyone went to bed, but fifteen minutes later, there was a knock at the door. The stockbroker was on the step, complaining, "Nothing on our farm ever smelled like that." So the insurance salesman said, "When I was a kid, I worked at a slaughterhouse. You can't believe the horrible stuff that was produced there." He went out to the barn, and everybody went back to sleep.
Fifteen minutes later, there was another knock at the door. The insurance salesman stood outside, and said, "Nothing in the slaughterhouse was as bad as that barn." The agent shook his head and said, "You bunch of wimps, I'll sleep out there."
Fifteen minutes later, there's a third knock at the door. It's the barn animals.
An agent and his wife went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine which would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out, and they were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even this small percentage was probably more pain than the agent had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the agent felt OK, and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The agent was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the guy's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The agent continued to feel quite comfortable. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping his wife considerably, the agent encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Editor: Alan C. Baird · Attorney Jokes - Snifter, Flute & Stein · return to synopses