Here it is: Armagnac-quality, sparkling legal humor
on a beer budget!
site is provided as a courtesy to lovers of fine
brandies, champagne bubbly & suds, and
is dedicated to anyone who's ever hated lawyers, or
loved them enough to tell attorney jokes to their faces!
lector: No lawyers were harmed during the construction of this
Flute & Stein, Barristers Since 1996 Members
of all major Bars (and Taverns) Harvey D. Wallbanger,
Managing Partner Thomas J. Collins, Of Counsel We
proudly use Summons & Shyster, legal process servers for all the
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beloved mohel is getting older, and his hands are not as steady
as they once were. For a man who performs the bris (religious
circumcision ceremony), this is pretty serious, and he's having
trouble getting insurance. Finally, his lawyer contacts him with the
good news: "We've gotten you a great policy, with only one rider!"
"What's that?" asks the mohel. The lawyer replies, "A one-inch
lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable -
in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor
gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of
rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular
scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains
for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged
lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains
are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know
how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"
crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept
receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead,"
was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the
calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked
who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of
his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say
newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming
into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have
a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at
least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his
office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied
the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."
blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and
grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew
what kind of creature the other one was, and one day decided to
touch each other and describe the sensations. The snake went
first - "You're all furry, have two ears and a fluffy little tail."
The bunny was overjoyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!"
Then the bunny felt the snake - "You've got slimy skin,
beady eyes and a forked tongue." The snake moaned, "Oh,
no, I must be a lawyer..."
attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer.
"I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you
the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and
said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"
experienced editor tried to explain the newspaper business to a
cub reporter: "You can't sell any papers with a 'Dog Bites Man'
story, but 'Client Runs Off With Attorney's Funds' --
why, that would sell out a special edition."
new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened
room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by
her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I
know for sure is that it was a partner - he made me do
all the work."
attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of
shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy
replied, "Makin' people." "So who's that?" asked the lawyer,
pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can
you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back,
"Nope, not enough shit."
defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender
wasn't interested in his case. The judge addressed the PD:
"What do you have to say to that?" The PD replied, "Could
you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."
plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging
rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying
"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem
a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when
I was a lawyer."
time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake
Changing lawyers is
like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
there's the old story involving the theft of some chickens: Judge:
Are you the defendant? Defendant:
Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?
diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was
asked by the opposing attorney, who was 6'8", what he did for a living.
The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said
the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely
you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law
in your pocket than you ever had in your head."
a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to
be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge
remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer.
He was always so punctual and polite."
who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who
come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The
specialty of the day is brains - fried doctor brains for twenty
bucks, sauteed architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted
attorney brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks
the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts,
"Do you know what a job it is to clean those