Attorney Jokes From Snifter, Flute & Stein

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Here it is: Armagnac-quality, sparkling legal humor on a beer budget!

This site is provided as a courtesy to lovers of
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and is dedicated to anyone who's ever hated lawyers,
or loved them enough to tell attorney jokes to their faces!

Caveat lector:
No lawyers were harmed during the construction of this site.

Snifter, Flute & Stein, Barristers
Since 1996
Members of all major Bars (and Taverns)
Harvey D. Wallbanger, Managing Partner
Thomas J. Collins, Of Counsel
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including Dewey Cheatham & Howe.
Habeas This...

Here on the Home page are the ones that didn't fit into a nice and tidy Site Navigation category:

The beloved mohel is getting older, and his hands are not as steady as they once were. For a man who performs the bris (religious circumcision ceremony), this is pretty serious, and he's having trouble getting insurance. Finally, his lawyer contacts him with the good news: "We've gotten you a great policy, with only one rider!" "What's that?" asks the mohel. The lawyer replies, "A one-inch deductible!"

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it's inoperable - in fact, it's so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - there's a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, "This is a ripoff - how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?"

The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling. The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month." He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?" "Nothing," replied the young man. "I'm just here to hook up your phone."

A blind bunny and a blind snake were born at the same time, and grew up together, becoming the best of friends. Neither one knew what kind of creature the other one was, and one day decided to touch each other and describe the sensations. The snake went first - "You're all furry, have two ears and a fluffy little tail." The bunny was overjoyed, shouting, "I'm a bunny, I'm a bunny!" Then the bunny felt the snake - "You've got slimy skin, beady eyes and a forked tongue." The snake moaned, "Oh, no, I must be a lawyer..."

An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. "I could push this red button, get down on my knees and give you the best blow job of your life," she purred. He thought a minute and said, "I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?"

An experienced editor tried to explain the newspaper business to a cub reporter: "You can't sell any papers with a 'Dog Bites Man' story, but 'Client Runs Off With Attorney's Funds' -- why, that would sell out a special edition."

A new female associate was romantically ambushed in a darkened room at her new firm, to her surprise and delight. When asked by her best friend to identify the new lover, she was puzzled: "All I know for sure is that it was a partner - he made me do all the work."

An attorney noticed a boy kneeling in the dirt playing with a pile of shit. The lawyer asked, "What are you doing there?" The boy replied, "Makin' people." "So who's that?" asked the lawyer, pointing to a pile. "That's a banker," came the reply. "Can you make a lawyer?" the attorney asked. The boy shot back, "Nope, not enough shit."

The defendant asked for a new lawyer, claiming the public defender wasn't interested in his case. The judge addressed the PD: "What do you have to say to that?" The PD replied, "Could you repeat that, your honor? I wasn't listening."

The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying "I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?" The plumber replied, "That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer."

Court Of Common Pleas, Westminster Hall; by T Rowlandson

Any time a lawyer is seen and not heard, it's a shame to wake him.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Then there's the old story involving the theft of some chickens:
Judge: Are you the defendant?
Defendant: Nope, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.

A lawyer's job is secure - who would build a robot to do nothing?

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

There's a true story about a convicted con man who was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which the judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

Stanley Livingston, in deepest Africa, finds a cannibal restaurant. The specialty of the day is brains - fried doctor brains for twenty bucks, sauteed architect brains for twenty-five bucks, and roasted attorney brains for two hundred bucks. Livingston, perplexed, asks the waiter why the attorney brains are so costly. The waiter snorts, "Do you know what a job it is to clean those suckers?"

Updated 23 February 2008 · © Alan C. Baird · Other Jokes · 9TimeZones.com · The Snoozeletter @ snzltr.blogspot.com · Site Navigation