Jokes (edited by Alan C.
More humor: Lawyer (Snifter, Flute & Stein), Agent, Theater, Novelist/Other
Auto erotica: SIG alerts (background, definition), CHP accident reports,
lane closures, road warnings/speed traps (avoiding, tickets, fighting), Botts' dots
An L.A. screenwriter is driving out in the country, when he stops his car beside a big field, and takes a walk through the grass. Finding an abandoned well, he looks down in it, but can't see the bottom - so he picks up a pebble, and throws it in. He listens, but can't hear anything - so he sees a rock, and throws that in. He still can't hear anything, so now he looks around for something bigger. Walking a short distance into the tall grass, he finds a cinder block, carries it back to the well, and heaves it in. While he's waiting for it to land, a goat comes tearing out of the field and dives headfirst into the well.
The writer is flabbergasted. He can't believe what he just saw. He's still standing there, dumbfounded, when a farmer walks out of the field and asks, "Hey, did you see a goat around here?"
The writer replies, "Yeah, strangest thing. I was standing here, looking down this well, when a goat ran out of the field and dove right in."
The farmer scratches his head and says, "Wow, I wonder how he got loose? I had him tied to a cinder block."
A screenwriter is walking along the shore, and finds a bottle. When he opens it, a genie appears and thanks the guy for letting him out. The genie announces, "For your kindness, I will grant you one wish, but only one!"
The writer thinks for a minute and says, "I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get seasick on boats. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie reflects on this for awhile and finally says, "I don't believe I can do it. Consider all the work involved... the pilings needed to hold up the highway would have to be incredibly long, just to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of the massive amounts of material that would require! No, it's way too much to ask."
The writer ponders again, and says, "Well, I've always wanted to understand women, too - I wish for you to explain them."
Without hesitation, the genie replies, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
A screenwriter goes into his doctor's office with a carrot in one ear, a radish in the other ear, and a banana jammed up his nose. He asks, "Hey, Doc - what's wrong with me?"
The physician replies, "You're not eating right."
How do you know when a blond screenwriter's been using your computer?
The monitor's all blotchy with White-Out.
How do you keep a blond screenwriter busy all day?
Give him a package of M&M's and say, "Start alphabetizing!"
A screenwriter suspected that it was raining, but when he extended his hand outside the apartment window to check, a glass eye fell into his outstretched palm. He looked up to see where it came from, and noticed a young lady looking down.
He asked, "Is this yours?"
She replied, "Yes, could you bring it up?" - so he agreed. Upon his arrival, she was profuse in her thanks, and offered the writer a drink. Since she was very attractive, he accepted. Shortly afterwards, she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty... would you care to join me?" Again, he welcomed her suggestion, and they both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close, the woman said, "I've had a marvelous time. Would you like to spend the night?"
The writer thought for a moment, then hesitantly inquired, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she responded, "Only with those who catch my eye."
Two development execs meet in the hallway. One says, "Hey, what's cooking?" The second one, extremely excited, replies, "I just bought this script. It's the most perfect piece of writing I've ever seen. Characters, story, EVERYTHING about it is A-number-one. Academy award time."
"That's fantastic," says the first one, dripping with envy. "So when do you go into production?"
"As soon as I get the rewrite."
Did you hear that several aspiring screenwriters were murdered in Battle Creek? Police are now investigating the bizarre string of homicides... each victim was left floating in a tub full o' milk, so the chief detective suspects a cereal killer.
An agitated screenwriter is stomping around his psychiatrist's office, running trembling hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doc, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my kid's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember what script I'm supposed to be working on. It was all I could do to find my way here!"
"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"
"An actor is a schmuck. A screenwriter is a schmuck with an Underwood." - Jack Warner, 1947
HOLLYWOOD FILM CREDITS ASSESSMENT:
When gaffers get together on the weekend, the conversation turns to football.
When screenwriters gather, they discuss tennis.
Directors talk about golf.
Conclusion: the bigger your credits, the smaller your balls.
A screenwriter receives a parrot for his birthday. The bird is fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word out of his beak is an expletive. The writer tries hard to change the parrot's behavior: he says polite words, plays soft music, anything he can think up, to set a good example. Nothing works.
He yells at the bird, and the bird yells back. He shakes the bird, but the bird just becomes more angry and rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments, he hears the bird squawk, swear, and scream. Suddenly, there's a deathly quiet. The guy's frightened, thinking he might have injured the bird, so he quickly opens the freezer door. The parrot calmly steps out onto the writer's extended arm, and says, "I believe I've offended you with my rude language and behavior. I will endeavor at once to correct this problem. I am truly sorry, and beg your forgiveness."
The writer is astonished at the bird's dramatic change in attitude, but before he can say anything, the parrot continues, "Might I ask what the chicken did?"
A henpecked screenwriter was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," the doctor said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The writer decided to take the shrink's advice, so he went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper immediately, and when you get it on the table, run upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I'm going out with the boys, but you're going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing - do you know who's gonna tie my bow tie?"
"I certainly do," his wife said calmly. "The undertaker."
A screenwriter dies, and is allowed to choose between an eternity in Heaven or Hell, after St. Peter shows him both. In Hell, he sees rows of writers chained to desks in a room hotter than a thousand suns. As they work, their fingers are singed by fire, and demons whip them with chains. Next, he sees Heaven: rows of writers chained to desks in a room hotter than a thousand suns. As they work, their fingers are singed by fire, and demons whip them with chains. Plus, it smells like an outhouse. The screenwriter's curious, "What gives, Pete? These are worse conditions than Hell!" St. Peter replies, "Yeah, but the work gets produced, and there's no rewriting."
The screenwriter of a Frank Capra comedy was watching a TV interview with the great director. An awestruck female reporter was heaping truckloads of praise on a passage from the writer's script, and Frank explained the scene's charm by saying, "That's the Capra touch." The reporter went on and on, gushing about various parts of many other Capra movies. In each case, the director's comment was, "That's the Capra touch."
The writer couldn't take it anymore, so he loaded 120 blank sheets of paper between two card stock covers, and impaled this "screenplay" with brads. He mailed the package to Frank, along with a note: "Put the Capra touch to THIS."
Did you hear about the ambitious starlet who had no clue?
She slept with the screenwriter.
A screenwriting guru enters the lecture hall, and starts his seminar with the basics: "Sometimes, using two negative words can indicate a positive meaning, but a double positive NEVER replaces a negative."
From way in the back of the hall, a cynical voice pipes up, "Yeah. Right."
Here's a two-parter:
How many development execs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but does it have to be a light bulb?
How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but why do you want to change the #&@%* light bulb?!
THE RULES OF SCREENWRITING:
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread or bunch of celery that sticks out the top of a full bag.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you weren't carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with creatures from anywhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always say: ENTER PASSWORD NOW.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their families every morning, even though their husbands and children never have time to eat.
Cars which crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of the Astrodome.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you're visiting.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any alien civilization.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage, and nobody involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they're alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English among themselves.
You can always find a chain saw when you need one.
An electric fence which is powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment, and it's never necessary to listen to the complete bulletin.
It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. They'll dance around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
How does a Buddhist screenwriter order a hot dog?
"Make me one with everything."
A screenwriter and his wife made their initial doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the physician took out a small kit, and stamped the wife's abdomen with indelible ink.
When the couple arrived back home, the writer was curious, so he dug out his magnifying glass to view the tiny stamp. In minuscule letters, the following message appeared: "When you can read this with the naked eye, make another appointment."
The screenwriter got off the elevator at the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. When she opened it, she was as beautiful and charming as promised.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Fido while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks: rolling over, shaking hands, sitting up... and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed the writer onto the balcony and started rolling over. The guy made a hoop with his arms and Fido jumped through - right over the balcony railing. A moment later, the young lady returned, and asked, "Isn't Fido the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To be honest," the writer said, "I think Fido was a little depressed."
On December 24, a screenwriter was horrified when he just sneaked a peek inside his Xmas stocking, only to discover a Chia Pet - shaped like Venus de Milo's bottom half...
Two successful screenwriting partners, newly settled into their Montana ranches, are hunting for the cougar that's been killing their dogs. They stake out an area of the woods near their fields, and wait. After awhile, sure enough, here comes the cougar. When it's close enough, they both jump up and shoot it at the same instant.
However, they can't tell which bullet actually bagged the trophy, so when the cougar is stuffed, they decide to share the credit, and take turns displaying the magnificent animal. However, this plan proves unworkable after a few years, when their partnership falls apart. So they settle on dividing the stuffed cougar in two, and flipping a coin to see who gets what. Shane loses, and receives a mounted trophy of the big cat's rear end.
So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting experience, Shane ended up with nothing but a catastrophe.
Did you hear about the screenwriter who jumped out the window on the 15th floor? He could have gone to the 16th, but that's another story.
A woman holding a baby gets on a bus, and the driver says, "That's the ugliest child I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slams her coins into the fare box and takes an aisle seat at rear of the bus, next to a screenwriter. He senses that she's agitated, and asks what's wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumes.
The writer sympathizes: "Why, he's a public servant! He shouldn't be insulting passengers."
"You're right," she says. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the writer replies. "Here, let me hold your monkey."