Attorney Jokes From Snifter, Flute &
has a car accident, dies and goes straight to hell. He's given the
grand tour by Satan himself, and they pass by a roomful of clocks.
Satan says, "You were a pretty good boy, so I'm gonna give you the
job of cleaning the clocks." Bob scratches his head and asks,
"They didn't teach us about any clocks in Sunday school; what
are they for?" Satan replies, "We assign one to each newborn,
and use 'em to keep track of their sins - they start off at
midnight, and tick over one minute for each sin. That's how I
knew you weren't so bad - your clock over here stopped
at 3:30." As Bob examines his clock, the one next to it ticks
over from 4:15 to 4:16. Bob says, "So that's what a sin looks
like. Where's the clock for my attorney, Kirk?" Satan chuckles,
"That one's in my office - we use it as a fan."
day, God was touring Heaven and noticed that the Pearly Gates
were terribly scratched and worn. So he asked St. Peter,
"What's happened to the Gates?" St. Peter replied, "It's
from all the sinners who struggle and grab on when they're told
they're going to be cast into the bottomless pit." God said, "If
this is the work of sinners, then it's Satan's responsibility. Tell him
he has to pay for the repairs!" Back came the reply from Satan,
"So sue me!" God read Satan's words, sighed and shrugged.
St. Peter said, "What shall we do, Lord?" God replied,
"There's nothing we can do. He's got all the lawyers."
Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered
by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. One of the three
said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some
money, so they'll have something to spend on the other side." They
all agreed that this was appropriate, so the banker dropped a
hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same.
The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man
he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's
unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets
to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil,
jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that
devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can
arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your
income 5-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect
you; you'll have 4 months of vacation each year and live to
be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's
souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The
lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"
minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if
you make a mistake on a case?" the minster asked. "Try to fix it
if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What
do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same.
Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the
devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father
of lawyers,' so I let it go."
stranger arrived in town one cold winter night - looking
for heat, he headed for the general store. Around the stove were
gathered the local lawyers, talking shop, and not about to let a
stranger in to share the warmth. When finally able to get their
attention, the stranger mentioned that he'd had a dream of Hell
the night before. "What did you find there?" inquired one of the
lawyers. "The same thing I find here," replied the stranger. "All
the lawyers right in the hottest place."
the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds
drawn?" The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street,
and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
was once a truck driver who hated lawyers - if he saw one
when he was driving, he would swerve out of his way to hit him.
The sound of the dull, hard thump made him happy. One day, he
picked up a priest he saw by the side of the road - the padre
had been visiting parishioners when his car broke down, and he
needed a ride into town to get a repair truck. On the way, the truck
driver spotted a lawyer, and veered the truck towards the attorney
in an attempt to run him down. Suddenly he remembered who was
in the truck with him, and at the last moment, swerved to miss the
lawyer. Still, a second later, he heard the familiar dull, hard thump.
Embarrassed, the truck driver decides to confess. "Oh, Father,
I meant to hit that attorney, but at the last second I swerved because
you were with me. I don't understand why there was that dull, hard
thump." The priest smiled and said, "Don't worry, my son. You
missed him, but I got him with the door."
lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven
together. After they've been there awhile, the Pope notices that
the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls
St. Peter over to ask him why. He says, "You know that
lawyer I came up here with? Well, I'm not complaining, but he
seems to be treated a little better than I am... he's got a better
house and more servants. I don't understand. I was a Pope and
served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?"
St. Peter responded, "You have to understand -
we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we've ever
© Alan C. Baird ·
interholics Anonymous ·
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