Attorney Jokes From Snifter, Flute & Stein

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Bob has a car accident, dies and goes straight to hell. He's given the grand tour by Satan himself, and they pass by a roomful of clocks. Satan says, "You were a pretty good boy, so I'm gonna give you the job of cleaning the clocks." Bob scratches his head and asks, "They didn't teach us about any clocks in Sunday school; what are they for?" Satan replies, "We assign one to each newborn, and use 'em to keep track of their sins - they start off at midnight, and tick over one minute for each sin. That's how I knew you weren't so bad - your clock over here stopped at 3:30." As Bob examines his clock, the one next to it ticks over from 4:15 to 4:16. Bob says, "So that's what a sin looks like. Where's the clock for my attorney, Kirk?" Satan chuckles, "That one's in my office - we use it as a fan."

One day, God was touring Heaven and noticed that the Pearly Gates were terribly scratched and worn. So he asked St. Peter, "What's happened to the Gates?" St. Peter replied, "It's from all the sinners who struggle and grab on when they're told they're going to be cast into the bottomless pit." God said, "If this is the work of sinners, then it's Satan's responsibility. Tell him he has to pay for the repairs!" Back came the reply from Satan, "So sue me!" God read Satan's words, sighed and shrugged. St. Peter said, "What shall we do, Lord?" God replied, "There's nothing we can do. He's got all the lawyers."

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. One of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend on the other side." They all agreed that this was appropriate, so the banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income 5-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have 4 months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?"

A minister and a lawyer were chatting at a party. "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minster asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

A stranger arrived in town one cold winter night - looking for heat, he headed for the general store. Around the stove were gathered the local lawyers, talking shop, and not about to let a stranger in to share the warmth. When finally able to get their attention, the stranger mentioned that he'd had a dream of Hell the night before. "What did you find there?" inquired one of the lawyers. "The same thing I find here," replied the stranger. "All the lawyers right in the hottest place."

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

There was once a truck driver who hated lawyers - if he saw one when he was driving, he would swerve out of his way to hit him. The sound of the dull, hard thump made him happy. One day, he picked up a priest he saw by the side of the road - the padre had been visiting parishioners when his car broke down, and he needed a ride into town to get a repair truck. On the way, the truck driver spotted a lawyer, and veered the truck towards the attorney in an attempt to run him down. Suddenly he remembered who was in the truck with him, and at the last moment, swerved to miss the lawyer. Still, a second later, he heard the familiar dull, hard thump. Embarrassed, the truck driver decides to confess. "Oh, Father, I meant to hit that attorney, but at the last second I swerved because you were with me. I don't understand why there was that dull, hard thump." The priest smiled and said, "Don't worry, my son. You missed him, but I got him with the door."

A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After they've been there awhile, the Pope notices that the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls St. Peter over to ask him why. He says, "You know that lawyer I came up here with? Well, I'm not complaining, but he seems to be treated a little better than I am... he's got a better house and more servants. I don't understand. I was a Pope and served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?" St. Peter responded, "You have to understand - we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we've ever had."